How Meditation Has Taught Me to Forgive Myself
Meditation, a form of stillness that sounds simple and easy to do, but many of us struggle to do so. Are you surprised? I’m not, especially considering how the topic of stillness isn’t discussed much in our American society. But you know what is, productivity and how to be productive, is engrained in us as a child, go figure!
But meditation has the power to transform us from the inside out. It can bring the four Cs into our lives: consistency, clarity, concentration, and confidence. I’m a firm believer because I’m a living example.
MEDITATION HAS INVITED IN:
CONSISTENCY — I implemented a daily routine for meditation. Some days I miss, but that’s less likely now. I choose to do it whether I like it or not. It has turned into my own silent commitment and an invaluable investment in myself.
CONCENTRATION — I allowed distractions to pull me away from my meditation sessions. I used to get distracted by any sound. However, over time I’ve become more comfortable with sitting still. So, the distractions are no longer distractions. This has permeated to my work ethic and improved my focus while writing.
CONFIDENCE — My belief in myself soars the more I practice meditation.
However, the most impactful values are:
UNDERSTANDING OF SELF — Has helped me accept traumatic experiences during my childhood. Experiences that I kept hidden from the adults in my life. I felt alone as a child, and as I aged, I began to question certain behavior patterns and thought processes I had. Setting aside time for reflection allowed me dig in and uncover the depth of my trauma. Later, that transitioned to learning how to heal from it. Meditation is about elevation.
Remember, it is a process. The only expectation should be to understand yourself better.
With understanding, comes FORGIVENESS. This part takes time and may be uncomfortable. It was for me. We didn’t talk about our feelings in my family. So, I didn’t share them much. Thus, my adolescent confusion brewed. Conflicting thoughts and tales of the world’s view of beauty boggled me, while over exposure to sexuality fueled my curiosity. I became a young chemist experimenting and formulating toxic compounds. Certain behaviors I exhibited as a child rolled over and compounded in adulthood.
I spent many years as an adult suppressing my anger towards my parents. I wish they were around more for guidance. Growing up my parents had their own struggles, and it left them emotionally unavailable. I spent most of my childhood living with my grandmother. She did the best that she could. She was the pillar of our family, but often picking up the shambles too.
Through meditation I’ve become enlightened. It has allowed me to see that my parents did the best they could with what they had. This realization led to forgiveness. I made a conscious choice to accept the things I could not change and to no longer hold it against them. My parents had their own struggles, but one thing I did feel as a child, is loved. For that, I am grateful because I know it could’ve been worse.
OPENING UP PAGES OF MY JOURNAL TO YOU
I started meditating about seven years ago; however, I started documenting my sessions four years ago. I write down what I see, feel, and sense during my meditations. Writing it down gives me the chance to revisit it. It also gives me the opportunity to ask to reflect, ask questions, and analyze.
I would like to share with you a special journal entry.
Journal entry date: 12/23/19 — “My stomach reacts during my meditation sessions. It makes loud sounds. I feel like it’s agreeing with the moment. I am still not exactly sure. While meditating, I found myself drifting and lacking focus. I realized once I said to myself, “Forget it, stop making yourself think!” I found where I was supposed to be.”
“I talked to my younger self. She was about nine. I saw her ponytail. She told me to let it go. It wasn’t my fault. I was young and in a terrible environment. Forgive myself and those that contributed to my behavior.”
“My younger self and I held hands as we looked over my land. My land was mountainous terrain and glowed various shades of bright yellow and orange. She (my younger self) told me to show her the way. I let go of her hand and put my hands together. I rubbed them back and forth as if I was trying to get the dust off my hands. Then, I raised my arms up with my hands and fingers pointed upward. It was as if I signaled that I dusted off the pain and have let it go. Then, she (my younger self) said to me, “I am free now.” I am free!”
Afterwards I reflected upon this meditation and wrote a brief entry:
“I feel that this spiritual cleansing is preparing me for my land. I need to be free of negativity blocks in order to fully utilize my gifts and understand my being.”
There are parts of that meditation that I still don’t understand, for instance, the land part. But I have faith that it will become clear as time goes on. I know I’m being navigated in the right direction.
Meditation unlocks the tools within to excel mentally, spiritually, and physically. Meditation is a lifelong journey.
So be patient with yourself.
If you would like to learn how to use meditation in your daily life, leave a comment below.
